David Moyes reviews Manchester United's win against Everton

Man United v Everton? To be honest, I didn't watch it. I've been very, very busy of late. I did see bits and pieces here and there, but I simply haven't got the time to sit down and watch a match between my two former clubs and feel a heady mix of bitterness, regret, sadness, rage, youthful inquisitiveness, and twinges of schadenfreude.

In truth, I was far more focused on finishing the special "David Moyes Derby" matchday program I created for it all by myself. I wrote all the articles and did the printing on my own. It really didn't take long at all. Maybe three months of working on it for 12 hours a day, every day. I also sewed David Moyes Derby "dead friendship" scarves that have the crests of both clubs on them with a big X over each one. I'm going to give them to everyone except Sir Alex Ferguson. Since he ruined my life forever by forcing me to drink from his poisoned chalice, he gets nothing. Which seems more than fair.

As for match itself, from what I could tell both teams looked terrible and in desperate need of a Moyesian touch. Of course Manchester United — or as I sometimes call them "Stinkchester Divided" — won because they went out and spent eleventy gajillion pounds last summer to make up for my absence. Falcao and Angel Di Maria are both pretty good, I suppose. But look at what the players I wanted to bring in are doing this season. Chelsea are the only Premier League team still undefeated with Cesc Fabregas, Cristiano Ronaldo has more hat tricks than a magician with a pet rabbit and Pele is still the world's top scorer of all time.

And what did Louis van Gaal do when he wanted to seal the win? He brought on MY Marouane Fellaini. He doesn't need to thank me. But I will accept a handwritten letter expressing his extreme gratitude. I've already reserved space in the next David Moyes Derby matchday program for it.

David De Gea also put in a brilliant performance for Stink Divided in goal and it really wouldn't have been possible had he not learned under my stewardship last season that that every goal he concedes sinks the team deeper into oblivion. So I think I deserve a bit of credit for that, as well (a "PS" to your letter will suffice for that one, Louis).

What can I say about Everton, though. They're now just above the relegation zone and it's clearly all Roberto Martinez's fault. He got lucky and rode the club's residual Moyes musk to fifth last season, but now he's showing his true inferiority. The man's got problems. Namely, he has far too many pockets on his jacket.

Who needs two outer pockets on one side of their jacket? Does he think he's a train conductor? It's just weird and unnatural. The players know this, the fans know this, and until he gets himself a proper jacket with the correct number of pockets, he will continue to drive this proud club into the ground. Consider this an intervention, Roberto.

Anyway, that's all I've got to say about that. Now if you'll excuse me, Tim Sherwood and I have a spin class to attend.

By Brooks Peck